FOSTERING THE FAMILY TREE

Greetings dear reader, you may have noticed I took a little break. The reason for that break was a visit with family (pictured above is a day at the lake we shared). Family is a broad topic. There are many facets to a family and many dynamics within families as well. This past week I drove from the northern Oregon coast (Depoe Bay) where I live, to Medford, Oregon where my brother lives. We had not seen each other since the celebration of life for Jesse’s biological Mother (my step mother since early childhood) and our shared biological Father. Both of them passed away in 2020 within four months of each other. Because of Covid we were not able to honor them until a year after their passing.

It was a beautiful celebration which took place in Cannon Beach, Oregon where we both grew up. The next day was my birthday and we spent time on the beach together (Jesse, my sister in law, my nieces and nephew). We made a fire and shared some food together. It had been many years since we were all together and it was very heartwarming and enjoyable. The next day we all went on a hike together in the forest and then spent some time at the beach. It felt good for my heart to spend time with them and feel the tangible connection we have, which is not as visceral when separated by years and states - he in Oregon and I in New Mexico at the time.

Jesse is nine years younger than I. In our adult life we have not been particularly close, not due to conflict, but mostly due to age, life paths and proximity, or lack thereof. When our father passed away, we co-navigated the arrangements of his estate together which meant we spent a lot of time on the phone. At that time he was in Oregon and I was still in Santa Fe (New Mexico). Naturally our conversations would extend to things beyond our Dad’s estate, and our bond was strengthened. Our communication was open, clear and honest throughout the process which became the root of our revivified connection and mutual trust.

Family connections can be all sorts of things. They can be: healthy, unhealthy, complex, toxic, burdensome, fun, loving, spiteful, dishonest, broken, nurturing - the list goes on. Every family dynamic is different. My family dynamic is way too complex to address in a short blog - at least the history is. Honestly, I think our family dynamic is whatever we make it. Not only what we make it, but who we create ourselves to be.

In the end it is we who must heal our wounds. Holding others accountable for our wounds will never lead to healing. Blaming others for our pain will not heal us. It wasn’t an individual in my family I avoided in particular, as much as it was the collective pain body of my family I distanced myself from. I believe that was a healthy choice and one of the best gifts I could have given myself.

My biological Mom passed when I was just nineteen years old. Now with both my father and step mom gone, the importance of family has deepened for me. While I am not particularly close to my step siblings other than keeping in touch, my bond to Jesse is deeper - maybe it’s the blood. Because Jesse’s relationship with his other siblings is strained, it feels all the more important that he and I preserve our connection. He conveyed to me that he is grateful that I have taken an interest in his family and that I want to get to know them and be around them.

{This is the a photo of the trees and nurse stump that I visit frequently. On the other side is a small entrance just big enough for me to crawl into. I like to meditate there.}

Mother Nature is Our Family

Many families are fragmented and broken, which makes it all the more essential that the members of the family who do have a healthy connection, nurture and foster deep roots. It makes me think of nurse logs and stumps. When a tree falls or is cut down, it provides nutrients and shelter for seedlings. In many cases nurse stumps are engulfed by one or more new trees that grow around it. The new tree(s), keeps the root systems of the stump alive.

And so it is with our family. Our parents are like the fallen trees that are providing sustenance for our family tree. Jesse and I are like the two nurse trees that have grown around the stump (our fragmented family) helping to keep the root systems alive. This never occurred to me until I sat down to write this, yet it seems a very fitting metaphor. I feel humans can learn a lot about family by observing and studying nature.

In this way we (Jesse, my sister in law Samantha and I) are sustaining the family tree, so that my nieces and nephew (the seedlings) can have a strong root system in their own family tree. The trees pictured above have been a strong force of spiritual growth and sustenance for me. They have provided me a place of joy, peace and comfort. Every time I sit between them inside the stump I feel surrounded by family. I feel the deep roots of my connection to my Earth Mother and nature and the trees as my family.

Family Is a Source of Love

I felt loved during my stay with my brother, and I felt joy in sharing my love with all of them. I felt deep connection. I felt the importance of family in a way I have never felt before. It struck a chord deep in my heart. Family dynamics are not always easy to witness or be a part of and they can also teach us a lot - especially about ourselves. As much as I was a participant during my visit, I also spent a lot of time in the role of observer or witness - without judgement or reaction to what was going on around me. I feel this is a form of love - to just observe without judgement, to simply notice, observe and take in.

Every Family Has Dynamics

The kids bicker and engage in power struggles and the parents are necessarily stepping in and setting boundaries. Even the parents have their moments, and it was beautiful to see everyone always finding their way back to center. Together as a family they ride the waves of fun, joy, emotional upset and stressful situations. I learned a lot just by watching them in action as a family. Because I am family, they put on no heirs. Everyone was exactly who they are when I am not there. I consider it an honor when people feel safe enough to be themselves around me and not wear a mask.

Some families are so fragmented that their is simply no cohesion. Wounds, patterns, habits and behaviors cycle through generation after generation. My step siblings’ families, Jesse’s family and I may never have a family reunion for reasons too personal to explain here. But I know that each of those families is happy amongst themselves and they have each other. I can reach out to any of my step siblings whenever I choose (and they me) and that works.

Jesse and Sam did not grow up in families that were what they wished a family could be and so they created their own vision of family and it brings them fulfillment - even with all of the stress. They are getting to have the family they wished they had grown up in and in that way they are contributing to healing the roots of their family tree.

Healing Our Roots and Growing New Shoots

Family is not a stage or chapter of anyone’s life. It will be with you your whole life, even if you jump ship. I know many people who suffer the experiences of their childhood long into adulthood - often taking those things to the grave. Some memories never leave us and some traumas never heal. This is why I feel it is so important for those of us who are brave and strong-willed and see the value of shadow work, to help transmute, transform and transcend the ailing roots of our family tree.

I alone can not heal my whole family tree. What I can do, have done and continue to do, is to transform patterns that my ancestors carried that do not serve. Some people fear becoming their Mother or Father. The only way to avoid that, is to heal the wounds in you that they were unable to heal in themselves. It helps you to take it less personal when you realize your parents were handed down family lineage baggage too.

Sometimes what you see in a person is not original to them, it is something that got passed down. People can be completely unaware of this, yet there it lingers in the subconscious, in the lineage, in the dark, something no one wants to address or does not know how to address. I won’t beat a dead horse here. I just want to say that our life mission is two-fold. I believe we are here to evolve our own soul, and simultaneously to assist in the evolution of our ancestral lineage.

Though we may not have the choice of the assignment, we can absolutely choose how we wish to engage our unique powers of creativity and skill to transform what needs healing in our lineage. This is between you and God. It is not about getting everyone on board. You just do your work silently and then let your light shine naturally. Remember, you are doing the best you can and so is everyone else.

If you have to jump ship to preserve your health, your sanity and your energy, allow yourself that grace. If you have to have a private ceremony where you free your parents from their role and adopt an archetypal Divine Mother and Father, do that. Whatever works for you that helps your inner child to feel safe is a healthy choice.

Lean on Your Ancestors

Your ancestors have a lot of wisdom. Talk to them, make them offerings at your altar, seek their counsel. Learn to hear them. Learn to feel their guidance and support, their nurturance. They are here to help, you do not have to do it alone. Broaden your perspective on ancestors. All ancestors are your ancestors ultimately.

Friends Are Chosen Family

The title says it all. For much of my life, my friends have been my chosen family. The point is to make sure you have one, biological or otherwise. We are human and not meant to go it alone. Sure we may have long chapters of introversion, we may be hermits sometimes, but we all need family. Spiritual friends such as the Fae or Ascended Masters, our Mother Father God, these are all our family too. The animals, the plants, the trees, the elementals, all of these are our family - it’s all connected!

Outro

I hope you walk away with something powerful today. Remember, you are your own family too. As we heal our family dynamics the world becomes a more peaceful place. If we can’t do that, then we can make peace within ourselves. We are allowed to jump ship if our family is abusive and toxic. Our families can consist of friends. We are not beholden to our family simply because we share dna. How might we heal relationships with family members? What can we do to foster our family tree?

Most of all everyone, I simply wish you peace, contentement and grace. We can preserve branches of the family tree and keep them alive, even in the face of a challenged trunk or root system. We can get creative, we can call on our ancestors for help. We can hold family meetings, we can consult our Mother/Father God. We can use our unique qualities traits and gifts creatively to engage with this work. We can journal and pray and contemplate. We can employ our imagination.

There is much we can do, but the important thing is that we do it. Strong families foster unity consciousness and that is what the world needs now more than ever. I am grateful for my connection to my brother and his family. I am grateful for my ancestors. I am doing all I can so that my ancestors and descendants can have peace, love and grace. It IS possible! It’s up to us -it’s up to you.