ALCHEMIZE YOUR LIFE
( Transforming Experience Into Wisdom )
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Good day dear reader. I thought I would share that last week I took my training wheels off and published my first blog without assistance. Upon pressing Publish (in the wee hours of the morning), I was elated! However, the following morning when I read it again, I was mortified. It appears I was too hasty and a bit trigger happy when publishing. Though I did go back and update the post, it had already been sent to my subscribers. This means that only people who are not subscribed would see the updates.
What did I learn? Well, I learned that it would have been best to not let my joy and excitement dictate my actions at one o’clock in the morning. I also learned that my ego will survive ( insert impish smile). I am grateful to accept my humanity without having to do mental gymnastics over a mistake made in a moment of childlike joy. I am also thankful for a forgiving audience.
While I do like to comport myself with professionalism and a respect for the craft of writing, I like that the audience gets to see the human error, the real and raw process of watching someone attempt to do new things. This blog has pushed my boundaries on many levels, especially in the arena of doing new things in the face of fear.
Getting to the Root of Things
( Transforming Habit Patterns )
I have a long deep-seated wound that I am transforming. It is a wound born of a split- second experience when I was eight years old. I was learning something new and my teacher, immediately after demonstrating how to perform a certain task, yelled at me, when upon my first attempt I got it wrong. This lodged itself in my unconscious, my psyche, and my central nervous system.
It formed in me a neurosis under the heading “fear of doing things wrong”. It instilled in me a perpetual and unrealistic demand of myself to be perfect and to do things with perfection . According to this neurosis, not only was I supposed to do things perfectly, but every new task I performed had to be perfect upon first attempt. Imagine how daunting trying new things was for me. So this experience of sending my readers an article that needed to be combed over one more time was actually a milestone for me. I realize there is no need to judge myself. I realize that I most likely will not lose any readers over it. I realize that it is absolutely and one hundred percent o.k. that I didn’t do it perfectly.
In fact, that so called mistake, allowed me to have all these realizations and to love and accept myself exactly as I am. Upon further reflection I realize I was never trying to be perfect. What I was doing, was trying to be safe. The moment I as yelled at in a booming voice that said “ That’s not how you do it! I just showed you how to do it !”, a seed was planted in my unconscious. That seed also served as an alarm. The alarm would sound any time I tried something new. The alarm was supposed to keep me safe. It was there to remind me that in order to stay safe and avoid getting yelled at, that I have to do things right the first time.
It has taken me years to unravel this experience. It is only today that I retrieved the last piece. If I would have stopped at the link between that experience and my tendency toward perfectionism, I never would have realized that beyond that, was a fear of getting yelled at ( ito include being scolded by my inner critic). Beyond that , is the desire to feel safe. At the root of the perfectionism is a desire to be safe.
This is a monumental discovery, which now allows me to be free from the pattern of perfectionism. It is nearly, if not absolutely, impossible to dig up the root of a pattern until you actually locate the root. As was just demonstrated, sometimes we mistake a habit pattern ( in this case perfectionism ) as a root cause of something, when in fact it is merely a symptom. It is important to be aware of our habit patterns, but it is equally paramount that we uncover the root of that behavioral pattern.
If it were simple , we would already be free of all the habit patterns we have set in place as a means of controlling our life in order to feel safe. This is a pattern that I have exhibited since I was eight years old (when the experience took place) I am now fifty five. In other words, it takes time. What is promising however, is that with: awareness, practice, patience, perseverance, tenacity and the cultivation of your capacity to track things - it can be done!
More often than not our issues have multiple layers that must be peeled back before the root can be revealed. Our issues are like trees. There is a seed that gets planted in our unconscious when a traumatic event happens. The environment ( both internal and external ) in which the event takes place can be likened to soil. The seed if left, grows into a full grown tree with many branches. The branches are like offshoots of the original maladie ( the trunk ) and the roots of the tree are of course the core issue, the root of origin. To illustrate the branches, we can take perfectionism as an example.
One branch might be not wanting to try new things, another might be impatience, another branch could be fear, another, lack of self worth, low self esteem and so on. Of course each of these issues could be a tree in and of itself. I illustrate each of the issues, being a branch stemming from the trunk of perfectionism, whose root is fear. The seed was planted in the soil ( my internal self ) of the desire to be safe.
Willingness and Capacity
Can you see the utter contradiction of planting a seed of fear in the soil made of the desire to feel safe? How would an eight year old know this and how would the unconscious know this?
A driving force in my adult life has been a quote by Carl Jung. It is this.” Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate “.
I say without exaggeration, that I could fashion a whole book on how my perfectionism and the fear of doing things wrong, as well as my need to control things and my need to feel safe has indeed directed the entire course of my life. I am willing to bet that many who will read this can say the same thing. This theme is definitely neither new, nor original.
It’s big work making the unconscious conscious and equally monumental to transform fear. The way we work with these themes is personal and diverse,so what might be some common denominators? I would say there needs to be willingness, capacity and self accountability. All three of these are huge. If you have capacity but no willingness or vice versa, no matter what you attempt in life will fall short. Both are key ingredients for life. It is important to notice the various arenas in your life where you may have one, but not the other.
This is not a judgement game, it is an awareness game. No one has willingness and capacity in every single arena of their life. Let’s take taxes for example. I do not have willingness or capacity to do my taxes. That is why I pay someone else to do it. Fair enough. We all have areas in our life like this and it is good to know where they are.
Like the example of taxes however, we can not apply this formula to every single aversion we have or we will never grow. In other words, we can not simply pay someone else to do all the things in life that we fear, have an aversion to, or wish to avoid. This is where self reliance and self accountability need to become our allies.
The thing about tension and friction is that they offer opportunities for growth. If we accept those challenges, we find that our capacity to accept the next challenge grows. As we learn to move with grace in the face of adversity, we grow by leaps and bounds.
Boundaries vs. Walls
It is very useful to examine our willingness and capacity in various areas of our life and in different situations. As an example, you would not attempt to lift something heavy if you have recently strained your back. In this case, your lack of willingness is healthy, because you realize that your capacity is currently challenged. This illustrates a healthy boundary.
An example of a wall could be a refusal to enter into relationships because of painful experiences in the past. In this case, you have capacity but no willingness.
Before entering into another relationship after a troubling experience, or a series of challenging relationships, it is healthy to create a boundary for yourself. Maybe you make an agreement with yourself to do some self examination before entering into another partnership. This is an example of a healthy boundary.
However, if you have a desire to cultivate a healthy relationship at some point in the future and you do not wish to create the same scenario with a different person, then you would need to look at your willingness and capacity for some introspection. You might ask yourself if you see patterns in the partners you choose or in the dynamics of your relationships. This would demonstrate a willingness to explore yourself and a capacity for self analysis.
The next step would be self - accountability. This would mean, holding yourself accountable for your willingness to enter into or stay relationships that do not serve you;. or to continue the pattern of entering into relationships without having examined yourself , your wounds, your behaviors and your patterns. And of course it is not enough merely to become aware of such things, you must then get to the root cause of these patterns and transform your wounds. Your refusal to do so, would be an example of a wall you build between you and your own liberation.
Maybe you have found your root cause by virtue of your willingness, but you are at an impasse as to how to transform the wound or pattern. That is when you would seek the assistance of someone you deem qualified to help you. That is where both your willingness and capacity meet. You express your willingness by seeking outside help and you express your capacity by refusing to give up, even though you may not be equipped to do it yourself.
People often have unrealistic notions that they must have all the answers and that seeking outside assistance is somehow a cop out or an indication of weakness. This is simply not the case. I call it having tenacity and being resourceful. You are using your will and your choice to move through something which you wish to heal or transform. That to me is a sign of emotional and spiritual intelligence.
Though I used an example of relationships here, you can apply this formula and use it as a template for many obstacles, challenges and situations.
Transforming Fear
Besides signals from our gut, messages given to us by our intuition ( our heart ) and previous experience, virtually all fear is illusory. When facing fears and obstacles , it is resourceful to tap into where your fear and /or resistance is coming from. It is a skill set to learn to listen to your gut and trust your intuition when you are getting signaled by fear, or when you receive massages from either your gut or intuition.
I will give you an example. One night I had my friend over for dinner. After she left, she called and asked if I wanted to go to the deer dances with her in San Ildefonso Pueblo. I told her yes, I wanted to go. After we hung up, I was washing dishes and a voice inside me said “Do not go with her tomorrow, if you do, you will get in a car accident “. “ That’s ridiculous”, I said to myself. “ You can’t fault her for having been in a couple of car accidents recently “, I thought. I dismissed my intuition and went with her the following morning.
Long story short, we got in a car accident. It took six months of acupuncture, physical therapy and chiropractic treatment to recover. Even after that, there were residual symptoms I had to attend to with more physical therapy and chiropractic. What do we often say to ourselves when these things happen? “ If only I would have listened to myself “.
It is important to address this. The reason our mind often tends to dismiss our intuition, is because it is not logical. Remember that past, present and future are all happening simultaneously. We are multidimensional beings. Our heart ( where are intuition comes from) is not logical. It has the ability to foresee future events, because it is not bound by time. And though it is not bound by time , timing itself, is a thing of the heart. The heart knows when to speak or be silent, when to act and when to be still, when to move forward and when to stay put. There is a reason we have the saying ” Listen to your heart”. It has nothing to do with romance and everything to do with guidance.
So, back to fear. No matter how fearful you are, or how brave and courageous, I personally want to thank you for choosing to incarnate as a human on Earth at this time. Every epoch has its challenges and this one is no exception. The challenges Earth, humanity and all species face at this time can be as harrowing as it is exhilarating. The fact that you chose to be here at all during this mind blowing time of renaissance and transformation took (and takes) an extreme amount of bravery and courage, and you deserve some serious kudos! Congratulations!
In Chinese five element theory fear is associated with the kidneys and with the element of water. The key here is to transform our fear and doubt into trust and wisdom. ( also associated with the water element). Our kidneys hold our life essence ( called jing ). I literally believe that when we face our fears we increase our life essence. Inversely, it is also true that intense fear can literally deplete our life force.
So how do we transform our fear? When fear arises, it is important to discern its origin. Is it arising from your gut? Is it an intuitive message ? Is it the result of a past shock, trauma or life experience? In the first two cases, listen and pay attention. If you find it is related to a traumatic or frightful experience, it is important that you put in the effort to transform the remnants of that experience which has lodged itself in your cellular memory and your physical body ( often in the fascia, tissues and /or muscles ).
The saying you have issues in your tissues is literal! The cells in our body are miniature recorders, recording every single experience in our life. There are cells throughout our entire body. This means we are all walking talking recorders. Each cell nucleus contains six feet of dna. Genes are a sequence of DNA. This is why all our thoughts, beliefs and experiences directly affect our genetic expression.
I won’t go into great detail here because there are myriad ways to transform the roots of fear, and every individual will choose differently. If you do not know where to begin, pray for guidance, have a talk with your higher self, your future self and especially the self at the age the experience occurred. You can also find someone who may have had a similar experience and ask them what they have done that has been helpful. You can also look around on the internet. Set a clear and strong intention of connection with a solution. Intention is a great way to magnetize and you are an electromagnetic field of energy.
You Are a Quantum Being!
For all it’s challenges, this is still a very exciting time in human history to be alive! When I think of beings throughout history who exhibited advanced states of consciousness and superhuman abilities, I simultaneously think about modern day humans exhibiting those same qualities. Pioneers in the field of quantum energy and neurobiology, as well as shamans and cognitive neuroscientists are able to impart skills and abilities to their audience and clients, that allows them to move far beyond what people’s limiting beliefs would have formerly allowed.
If you haven't been able to wrap your head around the concept that we literally are made of light, I would like to offer a couple of articles for review. The first can be found here and it is absolutely mind-blowing! The second one can be found here and packs an almost equal amount of punch. The former is a bit more complex, while the latter is more simple and only a page long.
Nevertheless, we literally are made of light and I find this to be so exciting. It is not just a fancy idea, nor is it a hypothesis. It is not a woo woo new age fantasy, it is a proven fact. Though Tibetan Buddhists do not have a corner on the term “rainbow body”, they seem to use the term the most often, and it is the ultimate goal of the path. To attain enLIGHTenment - quite literally means to attain a light body.
In other words, though we are already made of light, our level of awakened awareness is equal to the amount of light we carry. Imagine you could unzip your DNA. When you unzip your DNA , a lot of light is emitted. In former articles I have discussed Anna talking about filters and suppressions on our strands of DNA. It is when we lift the suppression from our DNA that it becomes unzipped so to speak. You often hear the expression, “ Free your mind “. I believe that if you can free your DNA, you will free your mind, but the two are not separate. One frees the other.
Remember earlier when I said that you are an electromagnetic being? It is a little complex, but I would like to share an abstract I found. It states “ The concept of wholeness or oneness refers to not only humans, but also all of creation. Similarly, consciousness may not wholly exist inside the human brain. One consciousness could permeate the whole universe as limitless energy; thus, human consciousness can be regarded as limited or partial in character. According to the limited consciousness concept, humans perceive projected waves or wave-vortices as a waveless item. Therefore, human limited consciousness collapses the wave function or energy of particles; accordingly, we are only able to perceive them as particles. With this "limited concept", the wave-vortex or wave movement comes into review, which also seems to have a limited concept, i.e., the limited projected wave concept. Notably, this wave-vortex seems to embrace photonic light, as well as electricity and anything in between them, which gives a sense of dimension to our brain. These elements of limited projected wave-vortex and limitless energy (consciousness) may coexist inside our brain as electric (directional pilot wave) and quantum (diffused oneness of waves) brainwaves, respectively, with both of them giving rise to one brain field.” This was the source.
It’s a Great Time to Be Alive!
When you consider that you are made of light and that your brain is both electromagnetic and quantum, how can you not get excited?! You have within you , all the ingredients to become as alive, awake, aware and enlightened as you want to be. You are here to thrive, to experience abundance, to dance with a vast array of emotions and master them. You are here to learn the alchemy of spirit and matter. It is in your design to shine the light that you are made of. You came here with your own unique signature as an individuated expression of the one source and force behind all things. That is AMAZING! And guess what? You will only ever appear the way you do now, in this one current life that you are living.
Doesn’t that make you want to seize every moment, be thankful for every breath, explore the vastness of your inner self and enjoy and experience as much of this amazing world as you possibly can before you move onto your next expression?! Remember - you are a quantum being living in a quantum field - a vast and infinite field of energy that co-creates with you. You affect it as much as it affects you. Once you begin to literally start experiencing that co-creation and realize that it’s real - that YOU affect the field just as much as it affects you, your life will never be the same.
I have started to experience this recently and it’s really beginning to sink in. I am so grateful to Franco De Nicola for telling me that the field learns just as much from me as I do from it. That is why whatever you put out , you get back. It’s one big energy exchange - a conversation of call and response.
I think you know what I am talking about, You know when you think of someone and then they call you? That is a perfect example. You know when you set a very clear intention to make something happen, or you put out a call to the Universe and it happens? This is also what I am talking about. Sometimes, things may not unfold as per the script we had in our head, yet somehow we arrive at or intended destination. With thoughtful examination we discover why things played out the way they did. It may take years sometimes, but the mystery usually reveals itself if we keep our eyes, ears, hearts and minds open.
Victim or Victor?
( Embracing Empowerment )
If you just had your house burglarized or were sexually violated, you sure would not want anyone to tell you that you are not a victim. Being and feeling violated is very real and it is absolutely no fun. It’s traumatizing to have our bodies and boundaries violated - some never recover. Recovery from traumatic events can take years, even lifetimes.
They key is not to feel like you are a victim of life. It is a very disempowered state of being to feel like life is happening to you rather than for you. Sometimes, we need time and healing in order to recover a clear perception. Sometimes when situations and people are removed from our life , it is because we are being protected, not rejected. Sometimes the field (energy, source, the universe) has something to offer us that is far better than we ever could have imagined, planned or orchestrated on our own.
Life really and truly is a co-creation with the Universe, Source, God, The Quantum Energy Field - however you perceive it or name it. When we can find our way to a field of perception outside the confines of victim mentality, is when our life really starts to shine. As our perception changes, so does our reality. I believe there is a difference between being a victim and holding a victim mentality stance.
I have seen it in myself and in others, and I know what life looks like in that place. I have witnessed first-hand the vivid contrast when the lens of perception shifts out of that mindset and perception. Because life truly is a co-creation, the field matches our energy, and we end up attracting whatever it is we are identifying with. If we are identifying as a victim, then the universe will find characters for our play that represent the perpetrator role.
I won’t say much more than that, as the point has already been illustrated. Trauma can be very damaging and very long-lasting. It can also be healed , transmuted transformed and alchemized. Trauma is a very complex topic. It fills auditoriums of people seeking healing at workshops, it fills psychiatrist offices, it lines the pockets of pharmaceutical peddlers who “have a pill for that”. It is often the cause of suicide, the destroyer of families, and the overarching killjoy.
There is a very important term I want to share that I recently came across in relation to trauma. It’s called fawning. Fawning is an unhealthy trauma response, and I believe it deserves recognition in a world so deeply traumatized right now.
Fawning is an umbrella for myriad symptoms exhibited as a response to trauma such as: avoiding conflict , hiding one’s needs, excessive people pleasing, saying yes instead of no, codependency, difficulty speaking up for oneself and difficulty maintaining boundaries, etc. I think it is important to learn about fawning so that we can recognize signs either in ourselves or others.
Earlier in the blog I mentioned that part of the equation of healing from one of my unconscious patterns, involved peeling off the layers and getting to the root. I think understanding fawning, can be a good tool for that. Though it may or may not apply to ourselves; if we see it in a loved one, we may have the opportunity to share invaluable information. It can be very empowering to become aware of patterns while simultaneously having access to tools that can help us transform those patterns. Revealing is half the healing. Well, maybe that is an overstatement, but it sure is a quintessential factor. Here is a link to an article on fawning. It is definitely important to know about, and also a resource you may want to pass along.
In short, it’s a great time to be alive. Consciously or unconsciously, you chose to be here at this epic time in human history. There are no mistakes. All will be revealed in time, especially if you pay attention. You CAN alchemize your life! Your willingness and capacity are two foundational cornerstones of living fully. You are a quantum being made of light who informs the quantum field of energy as much as it informs you. You and it are in co-creation. Life treats you differently once you realize you are not a victim of circumstance , but the main character, author, producer and co - director of the movie of your life. So get out there and put yourself all in and full out, because you’ll only live as this expression once ever, in the vast and infinite space-time continuum!